Blues Songwriting 101

If you're new to blues music, or like it and never really understood the why and wherefores, here are some very fundamental rules:

1) Most Blues begin with: "woke up this morning..."
2) "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you stick with something nasty in the next line like "I got a good woman, but she's got the meanest face in town."
3) The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes - sort of "I got a good woman, she got the meanest face in town. Got a good woman, she got the meanest face in town. Got teeth like horse and she weighs 500 pound."
4) The blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch... well, you stuck in a ditch. Deal with it.
5) Blues cars: Cadillacs, Fords, Chevys and of course the beat up pick-up truck. Blues doesn't travel in Beamers, Volvos of Escalades. Most blues transportation however , is a southbound freight train or Greyhound bus. Jet planes and state-sponsored Prevosts are out of the question. Walkin' is also acceptable in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.
6) Teenagers can't sing the blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults can sing the blues. Adulthood means being qualified to get the chair after shooting men in Reno, just to watch 'm die.
7) Blues can take place in New York City, but not in Hawaii or anywhere in Canada, let alone The Hague, The Netherlands. Hard times in Seattle or San Fransisco are probably nothing more than clinical depression. Chicago, IL, Memphis, TN , 'Nawlins, LA and Buttcrack, MS are the still the best places to get the blues. Also, you will not get the blues where it doesn't rain, ie; Phoenix, AZ.
8) Breaking your leg while skiing is not an acceptable form of obtaining the blues. Breaking a leg 'cause a gator be chompin' on it is.
9) You can't have no blues in a mall or an office. The lighting is wrong. Go outside and sit next to the BFI dumpster.
10) Good places for the blues:
-a jail house
-highway 61
-empty bed with a silvertrail you don't recall
-bottom af a whiskey glass
11) Bad places for the blues:
-Target
-Birkenstock store
-Art gallery
-Ivy League institutions
-Golf courses
12) No one will believe you have the blues if you wear a suit. Unless you're old. And you slept in the suit.
13) Do you have the right to sing the blues?
YES:
-you're blind
-you shot a man in Reno
-you can't be satisfied
NO:
-if you have all your teeth
-you once were blind, but now you can see.
-the guy in Reno lived
-You have 401K
14) Blues is not about color. It's a matter of bad luck. OJ can't sing the blues. Sonny Liston could have.
15) If you ask for whiskey and your woman gives you gasoline, it's the blues. Other acceptable blues beverages are:
-cheap wine
-rot gut whiskey
-corn liquor
-muddy water
-black coffee
The following are not blues beverages:
-Perrier
-Chardonnay
-Slim Fast
-Scotch
-Starbucks chai latté with vanilla shots, chilled
16) If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's the blues. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another bluesy way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a piece-of-shit cot. You cannot have a blues death during a tennis match or liposuction.
17) Blues names for women:
-Sadie
-Big Mama
-Bessie
-Fat River Dumplin
18) Blues names for men:
-Joe
-Willie
-Big Willie
-Little Willie
19) People with names like Amber, Michelle, Heather, Patrick, Matthew or Pepé can't sing the blues. No matter how many men they shot in Reno.
20) Blues name starter kit:
a) name of physical infirmity (blind, criple, lame, etc)
b) first name (see above)
c) last name of a president (Jefferson, Fillmore, Johnson, Jackson
example: Blind Lemon Jefferson, Pegleg Lime Johnson, or Cripple Peach Fillmore.